And…since we LOVE Bill Maher…:NEW RULES!!!

My local GM dealer has to stop telling me to rush into his showroom today. I don’t think you’re in a position to order me around, GM dealer. Try groveling. Because the only way you’re going to put me in a Buick Lacrosse today is to drug me and throw me in the trunk.
March 6, 2009 Send Bill Maher’s New Rules to a Friend

New Rule: Kevin Federline had better just be fat, because if he’s pregnant with eight babies, I’m not going to pay for it. And while we’re at it, could we please stop imagining that black is slimming. It’s a color, not a miracle worker. You don’t look skinny. You look like night grew a head.

What kind of tragic jackass thinks wearing black can take off 400 pounds? He got his – we had him – oh, boy, I knew that was coming. Okay.

New Rule: Start the goddamn movie! “Sony Pictures Entertainment in association with Focus Features and Imagine Entertainment and Legendary Pictures brings you a Working Title Film in collaboration with Fox Searchlight and Castle Rock…” present this worthless piece of crap that I’m already tired of and it hasn’t even started yet!

New Rule: On the next season of “The Apprentice,” Donald Trump has to fire himself. His casinos are bankrupt. The only industry in the world where people give you money in exchange for nothing and he blew it. Seriously, Choctaw Indians can make this work.

New Rule: If you want me to think you’re a genius, you have to think of a better slogan for a tour than “This is it.” You need a slogan that reminds you were ahead of your time. What about: “Michael Jackson, Looking like a monkey ripped his face off before it was cool”?

New Rule: My local GM dealer has to stop telling me to rush into his showroom today. I don’t think you’re in a position to order me around, GM dealer. Try groveling. Because the only way you’re going to put me in a Buick Lacrosse today is to drug me and throw me in the trunk.

And finally, New Rule: Republicans must stop pitting the American people against the government. Now, last week, we heard a speech from future Republican leader and present awkward douchebag Bobby Jindal. Now, Bobby said that government is lame, but Americans can do anything. And he kept repeating it: Americans can do anything; Americans can do anything. And then he clicked his heels and poof! there was just a cobra. I kid Bobby! Oh, please…He’s actually quite charming in a “Revenge of the Nerds” kind of way.

And he began his speech last week with the story that every immigrant tells about going to an American grocery store for the first time and being overwhelmed with the endless variety on the shelves. And this was just a 7-Eleven. Wait until he sees a Safeway. You’re wounded, I know. I’ll make it up to you after the show.

The thing is that endless variety only exists because Americans pay taxes to a government which maintains roads, irrigates fields, oversees the electrical grid and everything else that enables the modern American supermarket to carry 47 varieties of frozen breakfast pastry.

Of course it’s easy to tear government down. Ronald Reagan used to say, “The nine most terrifying words in the English language were, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.'” But, that was before, “I’m Sarah Palin, now show me the launch codes.”

You know, the stimulus package was attacked as “typical tax-and-spend,” you know, like repairing bridges is left-wing stuff. “Ooh, there the liberals go again, always wanting to get across the river.”

Folks, the people are the government. The first responders who put out your fires? That’s your government. The ranger who shoos pedophiles out of the park restroom. The postman who delivers your porn. I mean, how stupid is it when people say, “Oh, yeah, that’s all we need, the federal government telling Detroit how to make cars, or Wells Fargo how to run a bank. You want them to look like the post office?” Yeah, I say.

You mean the place that takes a note in my hand in L.A. on Monday and gives it to my sisters in New Jersey on Wednesday for 42 cents? Well, let me be the first to say, I would be thrilled if America’s health care system was anywhere near as functional as the post office.

Truth is, recent years have made me much more wary of government doing the opposite, of stepping aside and letting unregulated, private enterprise run things is plainly too greedy to trust with, like Wall Street, like rebuilding Iraq, like the way Republicans always frame the health care debate by saying, “Health care decisions should be made by doctors and patients, not government bureaucrats,” leaving out the fact that health decisions aren’t made by doctors, patients or bureaucrats. They’re made by insurance companies.

Insurance companies, which are a lot like hospital gowns: chances are your ass isn’t covered.


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